Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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