we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
His hands were made for my vagina.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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