omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
