Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
