just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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