I feel great
I just peed on a car
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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