people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
