Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
