im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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