You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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