just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
