I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
