my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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