the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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