woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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