My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
