You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
