that's an acceptable place to lick
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
