Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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