Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
