matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
