Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
