I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
