By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
