My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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