She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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