i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
