I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
