Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
