those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
