I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
