If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
