hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
