I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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