I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
