So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
