Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize