i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
