Yo dont text me then not text me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
