i already hear my dad disowning me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
