the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
