I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
