Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
