I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
