You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
