i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
