it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize