the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
