I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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