he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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