So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize