He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
