I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
