omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
